What makes you feel that I can handle this?

There is a deep-seated tendency to believe that people are strong and resilient, that a careless word or an awkward gesture won’t really affect them. There’s a discourse that claims adults can defend themselves, that they should be able to handle bluntness, that filtering one’s words is unnecessary and hypocritical, that to protect them would take away their autonomy and undermine human agency. In business, it is reflected in a culture of “radical transparency”, “brutal honesty” or “hard truth”.

But to believe that people can handle being treated in all transparency, without much care, is an illusion. We all walk with invisible pain, childhood wounds, insecurities, fears. Most of the time, these wounds stay quiet, covered by our adult competence, the role we play at work and our daily routine. But they are still there waiting to awaken again, and then something small happens – a sharp comment, a tone of voice that feels dismissive – and we feel hurt and overwhelmed.

Speaking to others in a gentle manner, avoiding harsh tone and negative judgements, being aware that we don’t know what battles the other person is fighting, showing delicacy and respect for the invisible fragilities present in them is not hypocrite. It is a form of deep humanity. And it starts with ourselves when we feel treated in an abrupt manner, to pause and ask: what makes you feel that I can handle this?